Leaves You Crying

     When you forward on one of those chain emails you never expect to uncover a truth that leaves you crying in front of a computer screen.  Or a memory buried so deep you thought it was gone, vanished.  In March of 2000 I unearthed one of those memories.  I had sent a message entitled “I got flowers today”.  Many of you out there have probably read it and so little explanation is required.  But for those of you not familiar with the email; it is a short message on domestic abuse and how one woman keeps forgiving her abuser.  Until the flowers of apology become funeral flowers.

I sent the message to my mother as a thank you for her courage and strength

during her difficult and often violent marriage to my stepfather.  It was a non-verbal

acknowledgement of her ability to survive and endure.  The same day I noticed the

email forwarded back to me from my mother, it read:

    “I remember how I got flowers several times and fancy dinners. Sometimes even tears of regret showing how sorry he was, but I would remember clearly the faces of my girls. The looks on their faces. I can still see them so clearly. I decided then that no amount of flowers, dinners, money, I love you is worth my children. So I summoned all the guts I had left and filled my soul with the love for my children and walked away. I didn’t want any of you to think that this was a normal way to live. To believe that this was what love was, that love was hurt, pain, shame, and fear. I left and have never had any regrets about leaving. “

    My tears fell onto my keyboard as I thought of the fear, the hurt, the shame,

and the courage. The courage and fear my mother must have felt as she frantically

packed some clothes and told us all not to be afraid. The shame that must have

choked her as she tried to tell us to be quiet and not say a word. But most importantly

I recognized and wept at the love, the unconditional, undying love of her actions.

Thank you for loving us so much that you learned to love yourself again.  

    I still remember everything I saw but don’t feel guilty because what I remember is

you saving us, you saving yourself, and you fighting to survive. Mom know that when

I feel I cannot survive I think of that moment and remember the courage and love you

gave me, that you gave us.