#MeToo Too

     I wanted to be fully supportive of the #MeToo movement that started going viral in October 2017.  Because as a woman I know first hand what is experienced and often must be endured when it comes to  cat calls, obscene comments, groping, unwanted aggressive advancements, etc., etc.. But as much as I wanted to be supportive and write out #MeToo I couldn't. Not because I hadn't ever experienced sexual assault. No, quite the contrary I had experienced it several times. It started at very young age,(4 yrs old) and then seemingly didn't stop for years. It wasn't until I was older and physically strong enough to fight back that it stopped happening with the frequency it had occurred previously.  I'd love to say that because I learned to fight back I never experienced those things again but it just isn't true. 

     The continuous stream of media attention on this movement and the charges being brought against high powered and prominent males in entertainment and media made it impossible to ignore. It felt like a female revolution. "Is this what my mother's generation felt when the feminist movement started?", I wondered. I didn't have an answer to that question.  All I knew was that the more I heard #MeToo mentioned combined with the endless details on the high profile sexual assault cases the worse it got for me. Anxiety and dread filled me as i tried hopelessly to hold back the depression threatening to drown me. It was effecting every aspect of my life I couldn't concentrate at my new job that wasn't even a month old. Sleep was restless and choppy if not impossible. My stomach caused me tremendous physical pain and I was having trouble holding down food. And I was constantly on the verge of breaking down in tears.

     As I desperately tried to keep myself afloat I realized why I was experiencing so much distress. In September of the previous year my dear great-uncle had passed away. My husband asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral and at first I said, "No" but at the last minute changed my mind. My great uncle was my grandfather's oldest brother, a WWII veteran who'd been on the beaches of Normandy, and the last of his generation in our family, he was 92. I felt I had to go to the funeral to pay my respects to this man who had been a wonderful positive male role model in my life. When I arrived at the funeral home I offered my condolences to my cousins, paid my respects to my great uncle, and then was completely blindsided.

     The man who had started the awful cycle of sexual abuse for me when I was only 4 years old was there at the funeral. He had married into our family but when I was still in high school he had divorced out. Over the years I had rarely heard his name mentioned and thought I would  never encounter this person again. At the funeral home he walked straight for me smiling with his arms outstretched. I couldn't move I was frozen to the spot as he advanced I wondered if I was imagining all of this, like a bad dream. Then I felt him hug me, too tight. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. But instead I was frozen, my senses overloading, my brain flooded with horrible memories as the same words in the same voice I had heard as a little girl whispered into my ear "you're so beautiful".

     My husband had no idea who this man was to me and just assumed more family he had not yet met. He knew about the sexual assaults from my past but I'd never mentioned names. We went to the hotel afterwards and I pushed everything out of my mind so that I could make it through the burial the next day. When we returned home I initiated a huge argument that escalated into me screaming and yelling. When my spouse tried to touch me to console me I freaked out, pushing and shoving him away. We didn't speak for the rest of the day and I stayed in one of the bedrooms alone trying to figure out what was happening.

    The next few days were some of the worst of my life. I'd always know I had survived various forms of sexual abuse and assault as a child, teenager, and young woman. Now however, the graphic details of the memories were loose and free to flood my mind. I was losing myself. My husband helped saved me from myself. He was understandably upset and confused. I broke down and choked out who the man at the funeral home had been. His mood shifted and his voice cut off, shock and disbelief flashed across his face. He had shook the hand of the man who had done horrible things to his wife when she was just a little girl. Slowly I saw the rage creeping into his face.

     Anger and rage are more comfortable emotions for a lot of people, but I think especially when faced with helpless situations. The months that followed were full of paralyzing flashbacks, deep depression, uncontrollable sobbing, and intense fear. PTSD is not just something veterans get it is caused by traumatic and stressful events human being endure and survive. The flashbacks I had were vivid and real I could see, smell, hear, feel it all happening again and it was more devastating each time. Everything was raw and would stay like that for awhile. It would be over 6 months before I would start to feel better and even then I was still shaky. By late summer I was feeling like myself again. Everything seemed fine and then October hit.

     What I hadn't fully faced, the trauma. What I was too afraid to write, #MeToo. And what I knew in my heart I had to do to heal was haunting me. One day I read an article by a woman that was so angry at men for being "SO" shocked by the mountainous stories and allegations. It was a long article and I read it all. Her angry so raw and pure, so honest and unforgiving it gave me strength and helped set me free. Her anger gave me the courage to face and chronicle every instance of sexual abuse and assault I had survived and to name my abusers and attackers. I wrote for hours detailing who had hurt me, scarred me, and stolen from me. When I was done I went to social media accounts and finally wrote "#MeToo (it started when I was 4 years old)".

50 Things Every Woman Should Know, Learn, or Own

1. Know the symptoms of heart attack in a woman vs. a man
2. Know how to remove a price sticker without damaging the article
3. Replace a button on a shirt and/or do minor sewing repairs
4. Know how to remove a splinter
5. Know how to access wi-fi from your phone or laptop
6. Know what an allen key is and how to use it
7. Know how to walk in high heels without looking ridiculous
8. Have at least one hobby/craft  that you can freely discuss in polite society
9. Know how to give a sympathetic hug (for wakes, funerals, etc.)
10. Know how to treat a burn with toothpaste
11. Know at least 5 ways to tie a scarf to give your outfit panache
12. Master one full appetizer to entree meal
13. Know how to fix minor household issues
14. Know how to get a mortgage
15. Learn how to buy a car
16. Know how to set a dinner table
17. Know how to apply basic makeup
18. Know how to grill (charcoal or propane)
19. Understand at least one sport & be able to discuss it
20. Know how to make at least one cocktail
21. Own at least 1 business suit and simply black cocktail style dress
22. Know how to unclog a toilet
23. Home remedy to eradicate fruit flies from your home
24. Know how to balance your checking account
25. Know how to get a free credit report
26. Know how to get corrections made to your credit report at no cost
27. Know how to save money for retirement
28. How to shake hands firmly
29. Know self defense &/or throw a punch
30. Know how to open a bottle capped drink without a bottle opener
31. Know how to identify due north
32. Be conversational in at least 2 languages
33. Know how to write a letter
34. Know how to carve a turkey, ham or leg of lamb
35. Know how to do at least one formal dance
36. Know how start a fire
37. Know how to parallel park
38. Know how to negotiate/haggle
39. Know how to give a speech or presentation
40. Know how to manage investments (IRA, 401-k, etc.)
41. Know how to brew a strong pot of coffee (i.e. drip, perculator, not Keurig)
42. Know how to use a hand-held hair dryer (blow dryer)
43. Know how  hair styling products and their uses (gel, mousse, hair spray, etc.)
44. Learn how to calm down a hysterical child/adult
45. Learn how to project confidence with words, body language, & appearance
46. Learn a second language - even if it's only conversational.
47. Learn not to take things personally
48. Know how to change a tire
49. Know how to keep a plant or garden alive
50. Know how to use a drill